Jonze Starr Baby

For the record, there's nothing wrong with being gay. So there's no need to front about it. Even if you're famous.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

"Paul Walker? No, no, no. I've watched 'The Fast and the Furious' a hundred times. It never once occurred to me that he's a closeted gay."

"Oh really? Well never mind then. It never occurred to you that Vin Diesel is black, you're probably on point with this one too."

Saturday, June 03, 2006

I tell you, my heart goes out to Kip Pardue. It really does. When I think of all the weiner he's had to munch to get where he is today, and still all you ever see him in is low-budget indie crap. He ought to talk to that tramp Charlize Theron, she figured out the right people to boff to get to the top, I tell you.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

"Oh, no! Not Orlando Bloom too!" Yes fool, Orlando Bloom too. "No, no, you're wrong. He used to go out with Kate Bosworth!" Uh-huh, and Teri Hatcher used to go out with that boy-bitch Ryan Seacrest. Hey, it's not like I don't wish it wasn't true. This little English muffin is sexy as all hell, and I hate to be the one to break it to you that he rides the baloney pony. Sorry, y'all. I really am.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Seann William Scott's pretty famous. Gets photographed a lot. So why don't you ever, ever, ever see him with a girl? You know why. Which is really too bad 'cuz he's so fucking cute. Of course I'd hit that if I was a dude. The Stiffmeister? You know it.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Because it's Cinco de Mayo I thought I'd post a shout-out to JC Chasez. You remember him. He was in NSYNC. Remember? He was the little gay one. No, the other little gay one. Yeah, yeah that's him. Come to think of it, I'm not sure he's even mexican. Oh well, fuck it. He's up here because he's GAY, and that's what I do.

Monday, May 01, 2006

And how about that yummy little Jonathan Rhys Myers? Well, let's see.
Single? Check.
English? Check.
Prettier than Keira Knightley? Check, baby.
Signs point to yes, people.
What's that? Would I hit that if I was a dude? You know I likes 'em pretty!

Of course you know that Keith Urban (god, that sounds like a porn actor's name, doesn't it?) is engaged to Nicole Kidman. But do you know why that woman keeps insisting on marrying gay men? Neither do I. Maybe that's just how she rolls. Would I hit that if I was a dude? Baby, not with that hair.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Yeah, yeah, Colin Farrell's a big ladies' man. Blah blah freakin' blah. You'd be a big ladies' man too if you were desperately trying to overcompensate for the fact that you used to bang Kevin Spacey. Yeah, I said it! I'm not saying Colin's strictly dickly, now. That would be crazy talk. This one here is bilingual. And you know I'd hit that if I was a dude...and if I wanted hpv.
Wait, before you start in on me and say this is a bad call I'd like to remind you that I love Matthew Broderick just as much as everybody else. I grew up on his movies just like you did, "Bueller? Bueller?" and all that, yes, yes. And don't give me that he's-married-and-has-a-kid blah blah because that doesn't mean shit. Dude is GAY. Deal with it, people. And hell yeah, if I was a dude I'd hit that.

Yeah, I know Queen Latifah doesn't really fit into the whole theme that's going on here, but she's being included because we all know this woman is a hardcore lesbian. But don't you think it's weird that no one ever talks about it? I think it's weird.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Philip Seymour Hoffman. Have six gayer syllables ever been uttered? Not the prettiest girl at the dance, but he's got an Oscar, so if I was a dude I'd definitely hit that.
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Peter freakin' Sarsgaard

Ok, so get a load of this drama fag who thinks he's fooling somebody. He goes out with Maggie Gyllenhaal, for the love of pink. I could make a rude joke about how their relationship is a total sham and a means for him to give it to her brother, but I won't. I will say however that if I was a dude, I'd do it to him. Hard.
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On The Downlow Since 1996

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Oh my goodness, where to start with this one? Ever since 1990, I've lost sleep over The Great Debate. If given the choice, Luke Perry or Jason Priestley? Finally, I've reached a decision. I'd tap Jason Priestley, if I was a dude...and if it were 1990 again.

  • And while we're pretending it's 1990 again...
  • Don't, don't, don't buy into the whole blissed-out domesticity thing they're selling you. It's all a front. Gay as a goose.

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